|In Case You Were Wondering if I'm Still Alive
||[Jan. 5th, 2011|04:07 pm]
300+ and Shrinking
Jaydee's "I'm Tired of Being Fat" Diary, January 5th, 4:02 pm.|
Current Weight: Probably somewhere around 265.
What I'm Doing Today: Enjoying the manga Loveless by Yun Koga. Working on an erotic fiction piece for a client. Have to be at my 'real' job in a couple hours.
Starting January 1st I joined probably zillions of other Americans in resolving to spend 2011 not being fat anymore. I do it EVERY year. Sometimes it works for a month or two, and then something happens (usually something bad) and I tell myself, "well, it's bad enough that [insert trauma here] is happening to me, do I have to deny myself a 2-lb. bag of Peanut M&Ms too?" and it's all downhill after that. (I used to tell people 'I was on a diet, but I fell off the wagon into a puddle of chocolate.')
I'm a writer and a chronic wit, so I make up a lot of jokes about me being fat so I can show other people that I don't really care about how I look. The truth is sometimes I feel like I could feel better about myself and my own life if I were thinner. I mean, I've got a depression disorder (meaning it's not something I can therapy myself out of, it's there forever) and I'm struggling to make ends meet as a writer and a wage slave at a place that treats me like an abusive boyfriend (and true to form, I keep going back when they act sorry).
For some reason, saying "I'm struggling to make my way as a writer" sounds a lot cooler, and more legit, when a thin person says it than when a fat one does. When I say it it feels like I'm just saying "I'm a giant loser and I'm trying to cover up that fact by claiming I'm an author." Am I the only one who feels that way?
In any case I've been trying to be responsible in other areas of my life, getting to bed by no later than one a.m. (I used to stay up until five, six or later) and taking walks down to the rehab center that my dad-in-law is at currently (about 3/4ths of a mile away). I don't get winded when I walk-- I've always been able to go as far as I wanted to without getting out of breath at all, no matter how much I weighed-- but I've got flat feet, so unless I keep in practice, shin splints and aching lack-of-arches are a problem. Stiff upper lip, I carried on anyway.
Being an American and obsessed with instant gratification, when I woke up the next morning not looking like Taylor Swift (hubba!) I felt disappointed. I have to keep doing this? And all my hopes seemed dashed when I totaled up exactly how much weight I'd have to lose in order to be socially 'normal' again-- even if I halved my current body weight, I'd be 130lbs, and what is that, like a size 12? (I don't even know where I keep a hundred plus pounds of extra fat on my body. I mean, even my lumpy stomach can't weight that much-- can it?) I still wouldn't be able to walk into a Hot Topic without the staff asking me if I'm lost.
So today, probably because of the moody weather and the way my back is acting up and having to look at myself in the big bathroom mirror after I took a shower, I'm feeling pretty down about the fact that I have a long road ahead. I don't know if I can do it, especially with the things that my family thinks it's okay to bring home to eat.
We at least have some tofu in the house again, so I can fry up some of that and put it in a stir-fry. Other things that were on my shopping list on the last trip to Kroger: Fuji apples, broccoli (to steam), rice, sesame oil, oatmeal, and chopped walnuts. I tend to want to snack while I'm on the computer (which is a lot: writer, remember, and also Expert Internet Dawdler), and the crunch and juicyness of an apple just about satisfies my oral fixation.
If biting into an apple makes your gums hurt, cut it into slices, then use the knife (CAREFULLY) to carve out a little scoop in the middle of the slice. Then spoon a little bit of peanut butter (natural for preference, you know better than to use that Skippy stuff, don't you?) into the middle. If you tend to cram food into your mouth as fast as possible like I do, savor one slice, then take a break, putting the plate to one side while you answer an email, look at one web page, or whatever. Eating slower gives your fullness meter more time to trigger. Or so I've heard. I just know that I like to eat all that's on my plate and then look around for more ;)
Next time: how to steam vegetables, the so-easy-a-Jaydee-could-do-it way. No pots required.